Wednesday, April 27, 2011

If I Must, Hesitations Must Go~


The joint project Maru and I personally code-named "Super Nova" has been formally accepted and the government had shown interest in funding it. I did wrote that during the training period, the remaining 37th Slackers, Maru and Hanif will stand together if Allah permits our bidding in this. The many times headaches and skipping sleeps have been finally paid off. Alhamdulillah, Allah accepts all of us in our respective projects. My, the headaches are going to return again, but I promised myself not to skip sleep anymore. The way we wanted to be capable of joining others that has fast forwarded earlier in amal.

However, the approval of our BP proposal did not come without hesitations. Abide the good news suddenly I remember the training days where I think I am another person (adapted personality) doing so just to survive there. I can recall my awkwardness that I am not good at socializing, but I made my best there. I am not a good actor, but I strive myself. I am not even a good decision maker, I know I must be so forced myself to learn and start becoming one.  I dont like to demand, but matters there required so, so I had to do it, along with a few more personality-changing objectives. Along the way, I got my aggressiveness, maybe unusual caution and even dismissed feelings, people or of my own when its decision versus feelings. Not to mention the "more socialized" me most notably..often during the training thinking I had to do it to temporarily. The unusual anger, the pretty demanding me back there. Like "If it needs to be done, it must be done". But remember I did not enjoy doing those personally. When the joint program ended, the "I-must-change" momentum back there slowly dissipated when I returned to my village and had to spent some time to be shake off these unusual characteristics to be myself back. Allocated some private times rethinking of who I am before the training and evaluation, and even astonished to believe that I had been like this and that there. And I think I am can only share this matter through this blog.

Earlier this week, I've been called to report back in. It looks like those days will come back. The days where we know challenges are always overwhelming, and I wonder to what extent this time? Maybe some will think I will be selfish along the way, but I'd rather think Allah knows my intention. The fact that during yesterday's consultation revealed the market value of the project is much higher than what we originally proposed, revived the momentum. I will go to the extremes to adapt to the potentially harsh challenges,  but I will remember I am a Muslim. I am not those who do not even have moral values in doing business. If there's a need to change again, I must do so, even though permanent this time..but  I will try to remember:-
That I should work to please Allah s.w.t.
That I would care more for our Muslim welfare

I wrote this so I will remember
Maybe I'm too ambitious, but I will strive to materialize my intentions.

No comments: